A day in the life...

I've been living in the Pinterest House for almost five months now.

The twins have settled in just fine and have left their mark on the house. Literally. Marks. Every-freaking-where. The walls, the floors, the cabinets. I can't keep up with the magic erasing, so I gave up. So much for the days-on-end spent painting this place before move-in.

I'm very, very slowly getting things done. I keep telling myself, "one room at a time!", but evidently, motherhood comes with a special brand of ADD. This is a pretty normal day for me:

-Make breakfast for Stinky Twinkies and set them up to eat. Make coffee.
-Go to put contacts in and pants on (LOL just kidding, who does that?) while babies eat and coffee brews. Step on stray cat litter. Get mad and storm off to find broom to sweep cat litter.
-"Mommy! Down!" Abandon cat litter.
-Set boys up with Thomas the Tank Engine and go to get coffee. Trip on toy truck, kick across floor, immediately go to pick up truck and put away.
-Might as well put rest of toys away.
-Finish picking up toys, find five dirty socks in process. Shit, haven't done laundry in a week.
-Start laundry while twins systematically remove every.single.toy. from toy shelves.
-Finally pour coffee and sit down to watch kids play and enjoy my liquid energy.
-Toddler disappears into Mommy's room. Chase toddler out. Remember that stack of towels on dresser should have gone in bathroom a week ago. Take towels to bathroom. Cat barfed on carpet.
-Clean up cat barf. Should vacuum.
-Vacuum all rooms. God, I need coffee.
-Chase toddler out of bedroom again.
-Naptime, because I said so.
-Intend to do ALL THE THINGS. End up sitting on couch playing Pet Rescue for an hour or three.
-Lunchtime! Kids eating. Where the hell did MY lunch go? (cold coffee)
-Reheat coffee after finding cup on bathroom shelf (wtf?)
-"Mommy! Down!" Forget coffee in microwave.
-Take kids outside to distract from house wreckage.
-Garage wreckage instead.
-Okay, let's get out of the house for a bit. Take kids to store. Buy maybe two things I needed. Rest is fluff. Forgot shopping list on desk when toddler ran out back door without me.
-Home. Toddlers playing with electrical sockets. Lamps. Washing machine. No, no, no. Son of a muffin, I forgot about the laundry.
-Wet clothes smell like mildew now. Wash again with vinegar. Forget clothes again until tomorrow... maybe next week.
-Toddlers ran out back door again.
-Sit on deck and chain smoke while toddlers "mow" the lawn. Did I really just go all day without a cigarette so far? No wonder I'm grumpy-pants.
-Time to make dinner. Forgot to defrost meat again. Order pizza.
-Mentally check out as twins smear pizza sauce all over. Is it bedtime yet?
-YAY! BEDTIME! "No! No! Pway twucks!" No, it's bedtime. "Mommy no!" G'NIGHT!
-Return escaped toddlers to cribs. Twenty times.
-Man, it must be 11pm. I'm exhausted. WHAT?? IT'S 8:15?!
-F*ck it, goodnight moon. (Mentally recites entire book)

When the kids are with their dad, I do usually find time to get shit done. I clean (sometimes) and shower (sometimes) and take on projects I know nothing about. On the bright side, being forced to be innovative, cheap and hands-on, I have learned how to use a variety of tools that once would have made my vagina run screaming in sexist horror. Ladies and gents alike, my greatest discovery: if you have to sand ANYTHING, a palm sander is the bomb.com. I actually went looking for things to re-paint just so I could sand them.

Anywho, since the boys are napping and I'm running on three hours of sleep, I shall tank up on my cold coffee and attempt to bang out some household duties.

But probably, I'll pass out on the couch playing Pet Rescue.